22:14PM 

so the truth is finally out. i feel ill. i haven’t eaten a thing today and i’ve drank nothing but water. i feel like puking my guts out. i’m ashamed; i’m disgusted. to the point that i can’t actually live with myself. how am i supposed to?

09:24am 

i can’t stop thinking about you. you’re such an asshole for seducing me when i thought we were together. sleeping with me, really? was that the only way you could have made me happier? i’m disappointed and fed up. i thought i could trust you. i can’t stand it here anymore. nobody cares. you don’t care.

all you do is turn your back on me, and have me begging for you. each and every time. it’s pathetic, i know it is. i’m not strong, you’re my weakness.

20:52pm 

I fucking hate the way I fell inlove with you from the first day I fucking met you. You’re the arsehole ill never learn to hate. Never.

20:23pm 

I wish this was gonna be our summer. Say those words and i’ll spend forever and a day laying on the grass, with my head on your chest, under the sun. Like last year.

18:11pm 

I guess I should be happy that we’re talking again. And i’m alive. I’m content, or I’m getting there I guess. I haven’t had one of my “therapy” sessions if you can call it that. And the more I wait, the more I can feel the loneliness sliding back into my world. I don’t want loneliness. ):

I’m happy to go back to the Philippines for 3 months. I really am. I miss my auntie so much! Unbearably. But I can’t help but think, that it’s gonna be 3 months not being in the same frekaing country as you. And that’s depressing.

I don’t know what we are. Or what we’re doing. But you’ve started talking to me again. Properly. I can’t help but be freaking jealous of every girl that want you though. This girl Nia, she reminds me of me when I used to be your bestfriend… I lost that title. Lurking on your profile (again), everyone seems to get closer to you again. I can’t help but feel like I was a repelant. I’m sad that you’re up on the market now. It’s not fair. You’re my man :’(…. I should stop typing now. I’m holding back tears that I don’t want to fall…

I bought a diary. If the people don’t approach me about what happened. I won’t push them. I guess this book will be my own escape.

18:13pm 

I wonder if you still get that feeling. The feeling I get, when everytime I breathe I feel empty and lonely. I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish I was yours. I wish you were mine. I wish I didn’t break up with you. I wish you didn’t accuse me of cheating. I wish you listened. I wish you wanted me back as much as I wanted you. I wish you’d tell me how much you love me like you used to. I wish you love me like you used to.

18:10pm 

First time you didn’t kiss me goodbye.
I cried a few tears on the trian.

"

Please don’t say we’re done
When I’m not finished
I could give so much more
Make you feel, like never before
Welcome, they said welcome to the floor

It’s been a while
And you’ve found someone better
But I’ve been waiting too long to give this up
The more I see, I understand
But sometimes, I still need you

Sometimes, I still need you

And I was struggling to get in
Left waiting outside your door
I was sure
You’d give me more

No need to come to me
When I can make it all the way to you
You made it clear
You weren’t near
Near enough for me

Heart skipped a beat
And when I caught it you were out of reach
But I’m sure, I’m sure
You’ve heard it before

" 

The XX.

9:41pm “I can’t take care of you. Cause I need to take care of me” 

Things I will do to forget you.

1. Stop wearing anything that reminds me of you. The jewellery you bought me, the blazer I wore on our first date, the shoes you bought me, the book I filled up with memories of you and me, the cards you gave me for christmas & Valentines day, the cute little teddy bear I love that you gave to me on Valentines.
2. Start eating again.
3. Start sleeping again.
4. Consume stronger caffeine.
5. Quit buying bath bombs from Lush.
6. Stop texting you! I don’t see why only I should make an effort.
7. Tell you to stop saying you love me. Cause I stopped believe you the day that you left me completely.
8. Stop saying I love you back. Cause it tears me apart saying it with every bone in my body meaning it.
9. Stop commenting on your facebook status.
10. Looking through our pictures in my phone. Delete the whole album I created about us. Delete that video of us, that one where you said “I love you Clarice, never forget that.”
11. Delete photographs that reminds me of you.
12. Delete NEYO’s songs.
13. Delete “Jungle Drum” by Emiliani Torrini.
14. Stop thinking about you every morning and feeling empty.
15. Stop thinking about you at night before I go to bed. I don’t want to lust over the boy that broke my heart; and who never helped me put it back together.
16. Stop thinking about you in between day and night. I need to start being happy without you.
17. Start to go shopping for new clothes again. I’ve wore trackies, jeans, jumpers. I’ve lost confidence in me. I don’t feel confident in clothes.
18. Stop reading manga.
19. Start reading novels.
20. Start flirting and liking boys without thinking of you. Every time I start to like someone, something holds me back. And it’s you. I know it is. Because I love you, and it kills me that you don’t love me back anymore.
21. Quit thinking your gonna call me one of these nights saying you love me and you can’t live without me.
22. Start drawing.
23. Quit you.

9:12pm 

I wonder where I stand with you. I never ask because I’m too scared the answer falls short from where I’m hoping I stand. I had such a busy day today; I kept myself busy. I drew, I laughed, I sung, I smiled, I flirted. But there’s always one spare moment always saved for you, I don’t intend to do it, it just happens like instinct. I always have the strongest urge to text you “thinking about you…” but it’s not fair on you. You’re moving on and I’m not. And i’m afraid to say, it’s lonely here. Always. Without you. Knowing that you just gave up on me. You fooled yourself saying I gave up on you. You cold hearted liar, how could you do that to yourself? How do you live with yourself. You cheated your way out of our relationship. Where there’s space for love, there’s always space for hate. And I think I hate you from escaping down the rabbit hole. I hate the way you made me love you, you played me.

"Paranoia; it gets the best of me. And you enjoy the sight of it." 

"She’ll love him more than he’ll ever know, He’ll love her more than he’ll ever show." 

10:39pm 

First time I’ve talked to you in forever. And I don’t think your even that bothered. I got my hopes up high again. Cause for once, I’m happy. I’m not phased by you anymore. Except these stupid fucking butterflies that started fucking fluttering when I hear your voice. They need to be annihilated. I hate them. Silly stupid Clarice. He doesn’t love you anymore, let it go …

The closest thing I get to “comfort food”.