10:03pm. 

Today was my first day of an actual attempt of forgetting about you. I had a fun day with Chloe & Paige constantly making me laugh. I was, some kind of happy. Empty. But happy. Towards the end of the day, I was over joyed by the fact that Rioh’s texted me all day… I laughed. A real laugh, not just a fucked up miserable way. I had art last, I was doing good. I had my head in my art, I was on a role. I did so much. Constant heavy rock was playing, no love. Just pure hate. I could handle hatred.

Then I come home, absolutely excited that I’m finally going shopping. And i got a facebook notification through my phone. First I thought it was Chloe who texted me, so I didn’t take much notice. Then I realised what it was, you sent me a group. I told you to call, and you called me straight away. I didn’t answer the first time because I just didn’t expect you to.

My heart, it was in paradise. I heard your voice and the butterflies started to flutter again. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to say. I was over whelmed, I was happy. Happy with you. The phonecall more than amused me, I just felt like I was in heaven again.

I got ready, went to meadowhall. Had an amazing time. And bam, you facebook messaged me. I was hoping it was a good one. But you put the words “mad. don’t. and dumped” and my heart sunk. I knew it was gonna turn out to be a little rowl. I was petrified at that point. I am so scared of actually arguing with you. I own up to being wrong because I hate it when your angry at me. When you’re angry; it’s inevitable. I won’t win, right or wrong. I will never win.

But I got disappointed again. I began to pick myself up. I brushed myself off and I’m ready to move forward. With or without you. You already walked away from the relationship, and it feels like i’m sat on the ground waiting for you to come back. I was equipped, I had friends, a movie, shopping and a stabucks. I’m so devastated. I just think first time we’ve talked in what feels like forever, all you can do is push me down? I used to think that I don’t deserve to be happy. Now, I believe that I don’t deserve to be happy.

I was on step 2. I was trying so hard to get over you. I came home and pretended like I was ok. I filled up my plate with my moms rice, spring rolls, and meatballs with sweet chilli sauce on the side. I would usually have 2 plates of that. But i had one of the spring rolls. And I felt sick.  I put my the spring rolls and meatballs back on the dish. And the rice back in the rice cooker. I washed my plate and left it at a failed attempt.

And I call that another day without you.